Screwed.edu
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
You took a bar mat shot.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Randomize
