I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
