have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
