Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
