I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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