Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize