Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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