Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
