i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
