My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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