Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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