Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
