my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Randomize
