Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
