what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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