I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
