omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
