So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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