just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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