You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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