I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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