dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
