highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Someone signed my nipple.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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