Can Purell be used as lube?
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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