I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
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