Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Randomize
