Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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