he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
