Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
He uses pillows to masturbate.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
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