so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
My legs feel like baby dolphins
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Randomize
