theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
the condom got lost in my hair
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
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