awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Randomize
