i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
