yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
