Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
