I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Randomize