Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
