I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
