Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize