I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
