I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
