I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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