Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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