she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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