i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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