Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
