Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
