dude i'm inner monologue high
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
