No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
