I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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