Already got asked if we're dating
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
