Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
