Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
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