I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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