i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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