So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
