totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
