hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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