Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
