Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
