see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
